Dating Secrets Every Woman Should Know

Nobody enjoys dating. The process of meeting new people. Do you wait for someone to approach you in public? Do you jump on a dating app? Do you take things into your own hands and shoot your shot by flirting with that guy at the gym or by sliding in the DMs of that cute guy who always likes your pictures? Even after you meet someone, then you have to actually “date” which means going out and getting to know them. Are they a texter or a talker? Do they want to go out on a proper date or are they trying to Netflix and chill you? How many dates before it’s official? How many dates before sex? Should you or shouldn’t you date more than one person at a time? The life of a single person is full of anxiety because they overthink everything listed above. I wrote BlackGirlsAreEasy.com as well as numerous books on how to date step by step, yet so many women have yet to Spartan Up and apply these rules to their lives. They either sit on the bench and wait for some guy to fall in their lap or they keep recycling the same penis they’ve known for years because the devil they know can’t truly break their heart. Let’s cut to the root of the problem—TRUST. Men are sneaky, flaky, and filled with contradictory behavior, so you never know who wants you or wants to use you. I tell men to be more honest, I’ve even written a book for them, but let’s keep it real, preaching to men won’t save you. The solution isn’t to fix the broken males, it’s to hop over the trash men so you can attract and secure a quality one. The first step in that is knowing the game as played by my fellow men…

Common Sense Secrets:

All Men Prioritize Sex First, Money Second, Love Third.

When A Man Says, “I’m Not Looking For Anything Serious” He’s Leaving Off “With You”.

Men Are Competitive So They Run Back When You Find Someone, But They Don’t Actually Want You Back.

There’s No Such Thing As Too Busy.

Older Guys Settle For Women They Dogged When Younger Because They Know They’re Push Overs.

Men Will Use You As A Placeholder Until They Come Across the Trophy They Really Want.

A Woman Can’t Change A Man. He Either Changes On His Own Or Not At All.

The Majority of Men Think Women Aren’t Very Smart…

You all know this I would hope, but you still fall for game because by nature you’re nice and give people the benefit of the doubt. Nice doesn’t win in this world. I hate seeing smart women get played by guys who come with the most transparent tactics. I’ve done a lot of these things personally, and as I matured I felt it a duty to put women up on game, not as Karmatic repayment, but because this world is dependent on strong women. Relationships and how to maneuver this world remains the biggest challenge for even the most book smart or successful women. So today I’m going to show you how any woman can rise up and get the type of love she deserves, not the kind of love she’s offered.

PROLOUGE: No More Excuses

pic 2

Where you live. How You Look. Men Are Trash. These three things are the crutches that many women prop up as to why they’re just going to focus on self and be content with their vibrator. I hear it all the time: GL, only ugly guys approach me, and the cute ones are either broke, taken, or have a reputation. GL, guys go for my friends over me because I’m not as pretty. GL, I live in a wack city where everyone knows each other, all the men are hoes, there’s no hope for me. The first step in righting the wrongs of your love life is to stop making excuses as to why you haven’t been successful. I’ve literally talked with women from every state in the union and those from Europe, Asia, and Africa. Not once has the city, their looks, or the lack of quality men stood in the way of those women finding love, it was their methods. I could fly to your city tomorrow, be your wingman, and find a hot spot where you would be introduced to someone new and interesting who you would have never ran into on your own. How? Because you don’t go anywhere but the same old tired spots with the same old tired friends because you’re not creative in your approach to being social. It’s not about the clubs, the parties, or the concerts nor is it about swiping on Tinder until you come across a cute guy. Connections can only be made when you step out of your comfort zone long enough to be friendly.

PART 1: Baiting A Man

pic 3

The Odds Are Set To 80%: Every woman breathing has an 80% chance of pulling any man she encounters. Are you going to dwell on the 20% chance that you’ll run into someone that isn’t impressed or has something else on his plate? Most of you will. That slim chance that someone will take your number but won’t call you or someone who your inbox won’t take it further than a casual “hey” scares the piss out of you. Fear keeps you in a box where the only men you will come across are the extra-friendly ones that come at you first, and trust the same way they’re being extra-friendly with you is being repeated with multiple women because quantity > quality. So here you are, stuck in the same old basic chick cycle of dealing with a man you didn’t even like but who was there. Months pass and it ends, and you realize that you wasted all that energy on someone that wasn’t even up to the standards you have in your head. Why? Because you don’t risk rejection—ever!

Dating, meeting men, it all becomes a lot more fun when you realize that your vagina is literally an Infinity Gauntlet. 80% is high, and it ticks up depending on how pretty you are. Let’s say that the average man would rate you a 7, maybe an 8 with makeup on. You’re already above that 80% and close to 95% odds that you won’t miss any shot you shoot. How do I know this? I’ve seen it all my life. I’ve coached girls to swing for the fences. And the statistics all line up with what I’m telling you. For example, I became friends with this girl from Atlanta who’s far from skinny, and really worked on her self-esteem. She went on to date one of the biggest rappers in the world, someone most women openly lust for, and she had him blowing up her phone. She wasn’t built like Draya, but she understood her strengths and played up to them. The secret that will lay the foundation going forward is to know that it’s a very slim chance that you will get rejected. It could happen, but guess what? There are more men out there, and the more you repeat it, the less scary it feels. It’s always worth going for what you want. Ask the girl’s that’s smashing your favorite rapper who was in your same place a year ago.

GO OUT BY YOURSELF: Where do you go to meet men? Most likely the internet, work, or you meet them through a friend. You’re boring, all you do is nap, work, and online shop so of course your options for guys are thinner than Anne Hathaway in Yoga Pants. Here’s a secret for those of you that embraced the confidence of the 80% rule—you’re a magnet. Let’s talk about attraction on a real level. You are a pretty woman that has a vagina that half of the population would dive into if given an opportunity. The problem for men is how do they get to you? Girls are like wolves, they usually move in packs with their friends, their sisters, their cousins, even other men. These people are walls. An aggressive man will run up on you because, again men take advantage of opportunity, but there are legions of other males that will keep walking by because they don’t want to interrupt in a group.

Your excuse will sound like this, “I need a man with the heart to approach me no matter where I’m at, that’s telling me he really wants me.” Okay, Basica, go back over there and have quiet time. Logic and your track record with men has proven that just because a man tries to holla at you, doesn’t mean he’s “the one”. It just means he’s bold. Here’s something to test out. The next time you’re hungry or bored, go out by yourself. It could be Starbucks to order coffee and sit at a table and read a book. It could be the mall food court to sit and just eat a damn pretzel. The longer you’re out, the more eyes are on you. We as men don’t think, “look at this werido by herself.” That’s what your negative mind thinks because you’ve been programmed to be under people or a part of a group. Men will look, some will speak, some will even walk over to you. As a single person, you should want this. Of course, there will be some lames that you brush off, but there will also be guys that are your type that catch your eye. The most successful tip I’ve seen played out is women who sit at the bar counter when eating or having a drink. Two years ago, I had a girl meet her now husband at the Buffalo Wild Wings bar when she sat next to him and asked to see a menu. Just last week, my lesbian friend met some girl at a brunch by sitting next to her and complimenting her purse. Finding someone is no longer about waiting, it’s about putting yourself out there.

pic 4

MEN LOVE AGGRESSIVE WOMEN: Let’s recap. You have the confidence of Thanos because you know you can have virtually any man you set your sights on. You aren’t afraid to go out in public to create an opportunity for an off-line connection. How do you turn that into actual GAME? A lot of women don’t know how to flirt. They know how to be sassy, how to tease, and how to give attitude when they secretly like a guy, but they don’t know how to say without words, “hey I like you.” Here’s the secret—you must become Sasha Fierce. Every woman, even Beyoncé, has an alter ego character she stores in her head. That bad ass chick who speaks her mind with no filter. You must let the other side of you loose around men. It was cool to giggle around men and say corny stuff like, “stop playing,” when you were 19. A grown woman doesn’t giggle, she smiles with her eyes. A grown woman doesn’t turn her glance away, she stares through a man like she would eat him alive. A grown woman doesn’t have awkward silences, she questions—how are you? That’s a nice shirt, where did you get it? Your girlfriend let you out of the house? Does that sound scary? Is talking to a strange man you think is cute too nerve wrecking for you to be that free with your words? Then you failed the first part! Your confidence has to be on Floyd Mayweather anytime you’re in the room with the opposite sex. I’m not saying that shy girls don’t get men, I’m saying that an aggressive woman steals a man’s soul.

What makes men talk to you and walk away without getting your number? It’s probably not your breath. It’s the lack of impression. Guys mastered this for the most part. They make jokes, they compliment, they use sexual undertones, all to make you smile or react. Why? Because he knows when you go home you’re going to still be thinking about how cool and fun he was. That’s an impression. The size of your butt in those jeans shouldn’t be the only impression you leave on a man. Personality is the most important weapon in any woman’s armory. When you’re on Snap or IG it’s easy to get your personality through because you’re performing for the camera or captioning a pretty picture with something witty. That stuff goes out of the window when you must speak face to face. The light switch in your head should be like a Power Ranger morphing. He’s sitting next to you or asking you your name, you can’t just grin and look like a deer in the headlights. In your head, you morph. “Watch me eat this mother***ker alive!” From there it’s not about what you say or reading a script, it’s being yourself but turned up to 10.

PART 2: Hooking A Man

pic 5

VERBAL CONVERSATIONS: Women who email me usually run into a problem most of you can relate to—my text got taken the wrong way. We live in a world where texting has replaced the phone call. The problem with that is the first week that you’re talking to someone, there is a huge margin for error tone wise. You can’t read sarcasm that well through text. It’s hard to get to know a person just typing in that format. What ends up happening is a bunch of chit-chat, some sexual flirtation, and him asking to see you soon. By the time you do meet up, he’s being overly sexual because he mistook you for a thotty from your text conversation. You’re into him, but you’re not an object, you want to go out and talk and actually get to see how this guy thinks and share your own life story. This is no exaggeration, I’m talked to over a thousand women who have slept with men who they didn’t even know basic things about like his last name or what he did at work. When I question these ladies, it all comes back to, “we didn’t really talk, we texted all day.” Stop being so dense! Texting is to supplement verbal conversations not a replacement for them.

Once you get past the meet and greet stage and are about to go on that first date, you must talk to him with your actual mouth. I don’t care if it’s telling him to call you after work or you doing a FaceTime session. Listening to how someone talks and what they talk about even before you sit down for a dinner date or go out to do some activity is crucial in establishing a bond and weeding out obvious red flags. I have friends who are the biggest dogs in the world, and they get away with a lot of it because all they do is text various girls BS that soothes their egos, set up night time chill sessions, and keep it moving. Who is this man? Where does he live? What was his last relationship? What does he do for a living? If you text this, you get cut and dry answers. If you ask it with your damn mouth, you hear the lies in his tone. You can sniff out hesitation. Talking allows you to poke holes in a man’s story in ways texting never could. Stop being afraid to talk, and if he doesn’t want to call you or pick up, that red flags dictates that he gets thrown back in the sea with the rest of these clown fish because he’s up to something.

TALK PRESENT NOT PAST: Just as important as hearing a man’s story out is sharing your own life. The secret to initial conversation is keep your cards close to the vest. Why are you on a first date talking about your ex-boyfriend and all the ways he did you dirty? Because he asked? Who is he to know that? We as men know that women over-talk about things they’re affected by. Work beefs, friend drama, exes… they will run off at the mouth venting. Through that venting you learn her weaknesses. Think about a first phone call or a first date. You tell him your ex cheated on you. He’s going to want to know how you found out, how long it was going on, if you knew the girl. He’s doing research to see how dumb you are. This is lost on you because you’re tied up in telling a story that’s been pissing you off for a long time. In the end he’ll tell you that your ex was trash and he would never do you like that. He won’t because he’ll do it better now knowing how that other dude messed up.

This isn’t just with exes, it’s with any past failure. You didn’t finish school, or you couldn’t get a job in your major, your family issues, it all creates a character profile to be exploited. So, what should you talk about besides him in order to give insight into your bomb personality? You share your strengths like it’s a job interview. It’s not about where you work now, it’s how you’re rising the ranks or how good you are at your job. It’s not about your ex, he had issues, but he taught you valuable lessons. That’s all you need to say about that man. It’s not about how your Dad did your Mom or how he treated you. Give an anecdote about growing up but this isn’t the time for a therapy session. The point is, you’re a strong woman who was forged by that hard knock past, show her passion not her pain.

pic 6

FUNNY X NASTY: Every man thinks he’s Kevin Hart when he’s on a date because women love two things: Laughing and eating. Being a good time is mandatory for a man to win you over, he knows that. As a woman you’re most likely clueless who how to win a guy over from lust to genuine affection. Let’s drop the ego for a second. When I say “win a man over” it’s not saying you need to bend over backwards and give him head on the first date or buy the dude an Apple Watch. The same way a guy is trying to either entertain you or spoil you to get brownie points, you have to think about how you can show him you’re truly different from the other girls he dated in the prior months. The secret that most women don’t know is that as men we see the same exact personality patterns. I went on a date with a girl who lived in Santa Monica who acted the same way as a girl from South Philly. Talked about the same things, laughed the same way, played shy at the same moments, and even gave up the panties in the same manner. It’s all parody because women are taught to dumb down their personalities around guys they like instead of being that fun person they are when with friends or family.

ARE YOU FUNNY? I’m not talking Tiffany Haddish, perform a damn stand up funny. Can you verbally spar with a man? Do you have wit? Can you recall a funny story? Are you able to point to something in the vicinity and make a funny observation? If the answer is “yes” then congratulations because not many women do that. Are you nasty? Yeah, you can recite rap lyrics about getting your ass ate and if this date goes well you might send him a nude, but 9 out of 10 women do that. In my book Ho Tactics, I broke down the psychology of what turns a man on because so many females are way too conservative to tread into that realm. You don’t want to come off like a hoe or a freak. Common sense dictates that a man will assume he’s going to hit by the end of the night regardless of what you say. You could read Bible verses and he’ll still try to get your bra off the moment you’re alone. Don’t let opinions curve your seduction techniques. When I say get nasty, I’m talking about promoting the idea of you as a sexual being. The way you dress. The way you yawn. The way you touch his hand or shoulder when he makes you laugh. It should all spell out S-E-X. When you’re talking, there is always an opportunity to say something slightly filthy. “Work has been killing me this week.” Smile, and grin, “See, I was hoping you had stamina.” That kind of daring retort will have a man in the palm of your hand. The more you bait him with lines like that or accidental touching, the more he wants you. By the time you give him a goodnight hug, there won’t be a doubt that he’s going to do whatever he can to see you again because you inspired lust and you left an impression with your personality. You’re the kind of Unicorn other girls only pretend to be.

PART 3: Securing the Right Man

pic 7

FOOL’S GOLD: “GL, I did everything in your book and I ended up with a guy, but he turned out to be trash just like the rest of them.” Is a real email I received. This woman and I corresponded for about a month and she laid out the entire relationships and without me saying anything she realized why she ended up with a trash ass man—she ignored the red flags because she really wanted him to work. We’re all in a rush. It’s an A.D.D generation where we want to stop dating and get into a relationship. Ladies, everything I write has been proven to work. Not because of me, but because you all are capable of Bossing up and taking what you want—men, job opportunities, anything. The warning label on life reads that not everything you want or attain will be right for you. You can make a list, do a vision board, manifest what you put your mind to, and then realize it wasn’t at all what you imagined. Know that you will have to let go of people, that you will misjudge character, and that some masks don’t come off at first pull. Fool’s Gold shines like the real thing, but it doesn’t hold up to constant inspection.

When dating you can’t afford to put all of your eggs in one basket. No matter how sincere someone seems, you take your time, you pick up those red flags, and you never build them up as irreplaceable. He’s just a friend. You like him, but you don’t love him. He’s building with you, not a permanent fixture. Most of you are only single because the last man broke your heart

DATE MULTIPLE MEN: Date multiple men. This doesn’t men sleep with, spend the night with, or even kiss multiple men. Dating means dating. You allow each man you come across with your new aggressive personality and confidence, and deem worthy, to take you out. You meet Robert this week and yet met Jake last week. You don’t choose one or the other, you let them both take you out and see who is the most impressive. When men compete—YOU WIN. No excuse about how you can’t juggle that many guys. If you can have ten tabs open on your phone and switch through four social media apps like it’s nothing, you can set up a date for Saturday and a date for Sunday. It’s not that hard. What you’re doing is trying to play nice. You want to seem like a loyal woman. LMAO! You’re loyal to an actual boyfriend not a guy who’s taking you out to AMC for popcorn and a movie. By dating multiple men, you level the playing field and keep yourself from being desperate. A woman with no options is more likely to settle than a woman with a roster.

A not so secret is that the more jealous you can make a man, the better. I’m not talking about flirting with guys in front of him or telling him he’s the third date of the week. Be smart and strategic. If he asks if you’re dating other people, tell him you’ve been testing the waters like any single woman should then flip it back on him. If he wants to know more details about other men, be aggressive and stern by telling him to focus on the two of you because he currently has your attention. Basicas never do this because they are scared to death about turning a man off. Spartans do it all the time because they understand that a man who knows he’s not your only option will work harder. Inside every grown man is a little boy that still has to be first. Use this knowledge!  

pic 8

SAY WHAT YOU WANT: Today’s men no longer have to play along as if they want to be your man. “I’m not looking for anything serious,” or “I’m cool with being friends,” works in terms of getting sex. There are women that will actually go along as if they don’t have feelings for a guy. Get sucked into his world. Start to really like him and allow him to get girlfriend benefits as—just friends. Are you crazy or stupid? Pussy runs this world! You don’t have to compromise with a man to keep him around. If you want to build to a relationship not a situationship, tell him. If you know that “Friend” is a code word, object and tell him you’re not looking for a friend, you’re looking for someone that can potentially grow into a man. It doesn’t matter if a man is claiming he’s too busy, that his heart is still healing from the last girl, or that he’s just not sure, you are the master and commander of who you give your time to. Stop holding your tongue and going with the flow. “I’m not dating anyone else, no harm in just having a friend.” Yes there is, because you’re leading yourself on with a man who is going to end up choosing someone else in the end. She’ll get an easy lane to his heart and you’ll feel like a sucker for believing the excuses that he gave to you that suddenly don’t apply to her. You’re a grown ass woman, the moment you feel that a man has potential open your mouth. Don’t text it. Don’t beat around the bush. Say what you want. And if he doesn’t feel the same way—GOOD! You just saved yourself months of playing house to some one that was looking to lease not buy.

Epilogue: Prioritize Yourself

 She comes before he. Your plans shouldn’t be compromised for his. Being a partner is a two-way street, just like he can reschedule, move you around, and cancel, you should never feel guilty if things pop up that will benefit your life. He will complain, suck his teeth, and get in his feelings. But the woman that does her, despite a man’s objections will always train her mate to respect her time, not waste it.

I’ve gone deeper on a lot of these topics in my books and on my site, but for those of you lost in the sauce, let this be a smack in the face to take the next step on the road to Spartanhood.

-G.L. Lambert

 

 

 

Black People Hate Each Other

There is nothing on this planet quite like a Black man. My father served as my first example of their resiliency in the face of adversity, their remarkable ability to exude warmth despite experiencing so much coldness from the outside world and the drive to succeed while playing with a hand of cards that would have made most give up and surrender themselves to a world that seemed hellbent on keeping them down. My dad is just one example of Black men who shatter the stereotypes that Black men are lazy thugs who do not take care of their hoard of illegitimate children, and for that I am remarkably proud of him. In a world where Black men and women are undervalued and
underrepresented, it is important that we uplift each other, yet the division between Black men and women is quite astounding and deeply saddening. Of course men and women collectively have struggled with relating to each other and finding common ground on issues such as equality, but when you live in a patriarchal society that is nothing beyond the norm. The issues within the Black community go much deeper than your old everyday “men are dogs” rhetoric. What happened between us that caused such a divide? Scroll through social media and you will see a plethora of harsh comments from Black men regarding Black women, Black women stating how they don’t need a man and how n*ggas ain’t sh*t and both sides recalling instances of how not having a father in their lives has affected them.

2466fcd1e4f8a2e47e1969c4ac409367

Slavery: The Side Effects

Whether or not people want to believe it, slavery still has long standing effects on its descendants. In the scope of human existence, 200 years post slavery is merely a drop in the bucket of time. In fact, it is so recent that you could likely track down the owner of your great great great grandparents. So what does this have to do with the division between Black men and women? Everything. During slavery, it was key for slave owners to dismantle any type of unity between slaves. Slave marriages were not legally recognized and married slaves were always reminded that at the end of the day, they were both property of their master. Rape was a common method used to exercise this power, and the Black man was powerless to come to the aid of his wife, no matter how angry or provoked he felt. This created a resentment in the Black woman, as she had to live knowing that the man she bore children for and loved was powerless to protect her. On the other hand, the Black man had to carry the shame that he could not save his wife from being a victim, while also struggling with the fact that she had been with another man, regardless of the lack of consent on her part. It did not matter that this was just a consequence of the time period; a human being is going to feel the emotions appropriate for the circumstances. 7eb0f0eb2cca50cc2f872a5f0fde2f37The lack of rights for a slave did not make either party feel better just because that was the way things were. A husband and father are protectors, and having to witness your warrior powerless against your attacker will create a lack of trust, be it consciously or subconsciously. He could not shield his wife from being a victim, he could not prevent his children from being sold.  Aside from the violent nature of rape,  during and after slavery, Black men and women were not typically attracted to each other. Black women were (and often even now) portrayed as the “mammy”, overweight and in a position of subservience, usually around to clean up after White people and nurse their children. The Black man, on the other hand, was emasculated on a daily basis; how was he to respect himself or command respect from others? Not only was his manhood diminished, but he was also put into the role of the jester, the ‘schuckin and jivin’ minstrel. Of course there was still love among slaves, but is it unreasonable to presume that the level of respect and attraction was low? Slavery has had a significant impact on black love, and the black family has suffered because of it.

Family Feud

giphy4

Fast forward to now, and it is easy to see the continued discord between the Black man and woman. It is almost like we are socialized to not be together. Have relations improved much 200 years post slavery? I would have to say no. I could open any of my social media timelines right now and see an overabundance of disrespectful comments from Black men pertaining to Black women. The negativity spans across hair texture, skin complexion, attitudes, child support spite, parenting, body type, the list is endless. Black women express disdain for the Black man as well, but not at the concerning rates that Black men do. Lack of ambition and the absence of having the Black woman’s back are the main complaints; quite honestly the rest of the dialogue can be applied to any man. Brothas are extremely misogynistic towards sistas, and rap music has been a long time contributor to this issue. When our Black men grow up listening to “Bitches ain’t sh*t but hoes and tricks / Lick on these nuts and suck the d*ck,” why are we surprised when they lack respect for Black women? The number of male role models in the Black community are slim, so the rappers became the role models. Young Black women who were exposed to this type of music at a young age became desensitized to it; disrespect towards women became normalized for some in the Black community. Just because you are a fan of rap, however, does not mean you go out and disrespect women or tolerate disrespect but it is who-needs-black-girls-anymore-i-aint-say-it-i-6624607important to realize that the entertainment industry does have an effect on how we view each other. Each day I witness Black men and women at war with each other, and I always find it so interesting that I do not see other races putting each other down at such alarming rates, or at all. Never have I seen any of my White, Hispanic or Asian social media followers say their own women are trash, their men are deadbeats or put them down while uplifting another race. Is there anything wrong with dating outside your ethnic group? Absolutely not. What is wrong is condemning your people in the process. I have always found it astonishing that many of the qualities Black men shame Black women for, they also possess: darker skin, coarse hair, animated personalities, etc. It is definitely worth assuming that there is some self-hate stirring around within them that needs to be sorted out. Disassociating yourself from your own blackness will not make you less Black. If you hate yourself, you will want to distance yourself from anything that reminds you of the thing you are running from. The divide and conquer tactics used during slavery are still working. Black families in America have the highest rate of single parent households due to factors such as mass incarcerations and poverty, creating further resentment between the Black man and woman. Just like during slavery, many fathers were not present. Whether it be by choice or force, the consequences remain the same. There is a lack of trust between Black people that other races do not experience, because they did not face the trauma of slavery and Jim Crow. Willie Lynch’s method to control slaves was to spread fear, envy and distrust between them, and it is blatantly obvious that these tactics have been tattooed on the psyche of Black people. Fortunately, I have been noticing a slow but steady spread of unity within the Black community.

Spread The Love

giphy1

Thanks to social media, I have been noticing a lot more positivity spreading between Black people. This is not to say that there has been a lack of Black unity altogether, but I attribute the increase to the alarming rate in which Black men and women are being targeted and killed by police, and to some extent, our collective disdain for Trump. Regardless of the reason, it is refreshing and beautiful to witness. It is very important that we hold ourselves accountable for perpetuating the hate we experience from the outside world upon each other. I frequently see Black women (and men, however, to a lesser extent) on social media call out other Black people who spread false narratives regarding our people and who also perpetuate stereotypes. It is vital that we educate each other about the tactics that were put in place to ensure we never unify or view each other in a positive light. After all, by continuing to remain spiteful towards each other, the vision racist America had for us since we were brought here on slave ships remains successful. Sure, we have accomplished great things as a people and have conquered monumental obstacles, but our interpersonal bonds must be strengthened. 9b01c1750a0102e6f63f3e2cfd6d40a6Black people have to separate ourselves from the image the media has constructed. Black men are more than rappers, athletes, and criminals. Black women do more than have babies out of wedlock, twerk, and have attitudes with anyone who crosses their path. Our accomplishments are always seen with an asterisk by them, and we participate in the practice of not supporting each other. This can change! Support the ventures of your friends, encourage our kids to pursue their dreams, even if they are not the most practical. Until we let go of the mental chains of slavery, we will remain limited, our full potential imprisoned. The lack of trust between Black men and women needs to be repaired, as it is on life support and has been for quite some time. We are in need of open and honest dialogue, free from any spite or negativity. Communication heals, and it is time we begin this process. Our future generations will thanks us!

 

 

What’s Your Body Count?


tumblr_ojde94mj2n1rncbh7o1_1280

I have such a love/hate relationship with Black Twitter. It’s free entertainment and endless jokes. I am often amazed at the creativity and comedic prowess that our counterparts possess. As with anything, though, there are two sides to every coin. While I hate to love the intriguing, brash sense of humor of the Twitteverse, there are often sexist and misogynistic undertones that consistently grace our timelines. One of Black Twitter’s favorite topics and debates: How many people have you had sex with, also known as the body count subject. Similar to the controversial topics of $200 dates and “should you make your man’s plate?”, the body count debacle seems to cross my timeline a few times a month. Every now and then I will throw in my 2 cents, but most of the time I sit back at the round table and observe the same old arguments on how many bodies its normal for a man to have at a certain age vs. how many bodies makes a woman a “hoe” by a certain age. All the same cliche stereotypes and gender biased views that seem to never really get old. I assume we keep recycling the same topics because like in any debate or argument, one side will try to sway the other to agree with their point of view. Mostly its a male vs. female debate, although every now and then you will see a sprinkle of agreeableness between the two sides. I find it quite problematic that in 2017 we are still going back and forth on this. Old habits die hard, or in this case, old sexist ideologies. 

Be Free, But Not Too Free

The male viewpoint of the body count debate is obviously a direct representation of the majority of males in everyday life. I am sure it isn’t too difficult to figure out their stance on the matter. The quantity of men a woman has slept with is a direct correlation to her level of hoe-ness. The higher the number, the less likely you are to have a man commit to you, the looser your vagina becomes and you apparently command less respect than a woman with only a few notches in her belt. Of course no one is born thinking this way, and our society isn’t the only one who carriers around these sexist beliefs. Women in the Middle East are still getting stoned for adultery. In patriarchal societies, women and men are socialized to believe that proper and respectable women keep their legs closed. Pop culture in America is fueled by sexuality and sexualized images of women, yet a woman who is sexually liberated faces backlash from not only men, but women too. I remember just a few days ago on Twitter, there was conversation stirring regarding a woman  in her 20’s who had 42 men under her belt. tumblr_niv4i5uvmq1tqakyso1_500
 I didn’t delve into it too much to get any context, but this woman’s integrity was questioned. Is 42 a lot? For argument’s sake, let’s say the woman in the above scenario is 27 and has been sexually active for 10 years and single for the majority of this time-span. That’s an average of 4.2 men a year. Does that change the perspective at all? Maybe, maybe not. She caught major shade across the timeline for this confession, though. One guy tweeted that dating a woman with 42 bodies is equivalent to chewing a piece of gum that was previously chewed by 42 other people. Another said that after 42 bodies your soul is already dwelling with Lucifer. Some tweeters erred on the side of minding your own business about who people are hopping into bed with (I second this), and others called men out for their glaring hypocrisy. Regardless of your views on sex and morality, is it reasonable to literally demonize a woman because her lifestyle is not in alignment with your views? 

Pot, Meet Kettle!

I really wish at this point that I could stop referring to double standards when comparing the sex lives of women and men, but double standards fuel sexism. It’s mind boggling that so many don’t realize that continuing to judge women based off how many men they’ve been with makes them sexist. Women who co-sign these beliefs don’t realize they’re contributing to the problem, or maybe they don’t see the problem at all. Who knows? Either way, if it had been a man in his 20’s who admitted to having 42 bodies, no one would have blinked an eye. Most of us would have probably kept scrolling and continued talking about how much of a baby Lebron is being and retweeting Trump jokes. In contrast to tweets about a woman with that many bodies dwelling with Lucifer, I saw people saying they expect a man in his 20’s to already have 40+ bodies, like that is perfectly normal.tumblr_ns2p9pbyi51t1ou0yo1_500 The logic behind it was that women get “entered” while men “enter,” so it is more of an impact on a woman to allow so many men access to her body. Correct me if I’m wrong, but as a man you don’t find it necessary to use some discretion when it comes to whom you’re sticking your most cherished body part into? 9/10 of the men who were throwing shade at the woman with 42 bodies would probably still try and get in her panties if given the opportunity, and would happily be Mr. 43. What’s even more funny is that some of them have probably had an escapade or two with a woman way north of #42 and had no idea. So many men love to play the “I may f*ck her, but I would never wife her” card, but you don’t see them throwing their playa cards away for Tina Two Bodies either. The number of people you get naked with is not a testament to your character, per se. Of course there are men and women who use sex as a coping mechanism or for other reasons that aren’t good for the soul, however that’s a subject for a different day. A woman should be able to be as sexually active as she wishes to be without facing slander and backlash from people who ultimately need to mind their own business.

It’s Just Sex, Not Love

Evidently, it is a foreign concept that women are capable to have sex with a man without developing romantic feelings or attachments. For some women this may be true, but for many it isn’t. Yes, there are a plethora of scenarios where a woman states she isn’t looking for anything but fun, then turns around a month later asking “what are we?” Don’t let this fool you into thinking that every woman who is willing to get it poppin’ with you also wants to put a ring on it. Just like men, we treat those we are only sexually attracted to differently than those we see as potential mates. Men who still have 19th century mindsets get shook by this rationale; they don’t know how to contend with a woman who steps outside of the little chastity box that the world has created for her. Men are privileged of course, and by women remaining subservient and dependent on them, their authority is not challenged. No privileged group wants a level playing field, because it’s fun to stomp on the little guy!tumblr_oamyb8qhjs1uaedmbo3_400 Besides, if men couldn’t call women hoes, what else would they do with their time? That was a joke of course, but society as a whole needs to realize that a woman’s sex life is none of anyone else’s concern and no one has the right to dictate what is appropriate behavior for the next person. If it works for them, why are you bothered by it? Everyone was raised differently and we’ve traveled different paths. There isn’t a one size fits all manual to life that works for everyone. As long as we are all being safe, what’s the big deal? Everyone is entitled to live a life that fits their own moral compass and nothing is wrong with having your own opinion. However, there is a such thing as an opinion that lacks substance and does more harm than good, so keep those to yourself. I have seen men imply numerous times that they are entitled to sex from a woman who gives it up to everyone, and that “hoes” don’t have the right to turn down a man because her vagina is an equal opportunity employer. How stupid is that?! Not only stupid, but absurdly disrespectful.  Just because a woman has an active sex life does not mean she’s obligated to drop the panties for anyone who decides they want a turn; just because a woman decides to lie down with you does not mean she’s planning a wedding in her head with you. It is always blissfully refreshing to see men who have transcended above the small thinking of labeling women. I know men who argue more for the rights of women than plenty of females I know of. Perhaps there is still hope for us yet! After all, it’s not wise to throw stones when you, too, live in a glass house. I prefer to mind my own business, and whether or not someone else is leading a more conservative or liberal sex life has nothing to do with me.

We’re All A Little “Insecure”

tumblr_ohcufsby5u1u4ypbyo2_500

SPOILER ALERT: If you are not yet caught up on the show or have not started it yet, this post contains spoilers. Everyone else, please continue 🙂


Insecure has captivated me. The release of this show just further reminded me how absent authentic Black characters are from mainstream television. It is a breath of fresh air from all of the reality shows depicting petty drama, forcing us to watch 20 year old reruns of Martin just for a little comedy. Issa Rae only served us 8 episodes of Insecure so far (thankfully, we’re getting a season 2), but she managed to develop very complex and multi-dimensional characters in such a short season. 8 episodes, 30 minutes each, and I easily feel like I thoroughly know them all. Each of the main characters are relatable in some way, and most of us have been either Issa, Molly or Lawrence at some point in our lives. One of the main themes in the show is the relationship between Issa and Lawrence. The show begins and it is the morning of her 29th birthday. While she was on Facebook looking over her “happy birthday” posts, she gets a message from a guy named Daniel wishing her a happy birthday and her face lights up like a Christmas tree. I had not yet noticed Lawrence lying in bed behind her, sound asleep. Without knowing it, we are almost immediately introduced to the temptation she will face for almost the entire season. Her lack of fulfillment is obvious. tumblr_of6io5hbnm1swms2fo4_400She often complains to her best friend Molly about how boring their relationship is and how she is exhausted from carrying the emotional and financial weight of it all. Lawrence is out of work after his app failed, and mostly sits around the house in dingy sweatpants complaining about his bad luck with interviewing. To add to Issa’s growing resentment of him, he forgets her birthday. After 5 years and no growth as a couple, she was basically over it. If you want to create a perfect recipe to push your woman to the next D, do all of the things that Lawrence was doing. Unlike men, the majority of women who may have cheated did not do so just for sh*ts and giggles. There is no thrill of the chase, no sliding in DM’s just because its Monday. Emotional needs aren’t being met. Justifying cheating is not what I’m trying to do; I’m talking about causation, not morals. How well did Issa communicate her needs and concerns to Lawrence? Not very well. She had numerous opportunities to elaborate on what she told him the night she and Molly went to the open mic. You really can’t tell someone how you don’t intend to spend the rest of your life sitting on the couch with them, leave for 2 days then come home acting like that whole conversation never happened in a matter of hours. By this point, Issa’s main concern is Issa. She has vowed to begin giving zero f*cks and to start killing it at work. She did not have much concern for strengthening her relationship, but realizes she still loves Lawrence nonetheless, so she continues going through the motions of it all. After Issa and Daniel had their almost hookup after the open mic, I figured he was pretty much out of the picture. He was completely thrown off by the word “relationship” coming out of her mouth, so I thought that was a wrap. I should  have known better, considering they chose to bring up how Issa has always had a weakness for him. Although Issa was vulnerable to cheating due to the fragile state of her relationship, I also do not fully believe she would have turned Daniel down, regardless of how things were with Lawrence. The one that got away is now back in your life and showing interest in you. You have shared history to pull from, allowing you to reconnect, and it would just feel right. She subconsciously placed herself in a compromising position, and the cheating commenced. 

ins_105_062416_amf_32561

Issa wasn’t the only one in the relationship faced with temptation. While she was ignoring Lawrence and complaining about his lack of a job, the bank teller Tasha was uplifting him at every turn. Pretty face, bubbling personality and boobs to die for were there waiting for him every time he went to deposit his unemployment check. She joined him for lunch, and came to his job at Best Buy showing him how good she looks when she isn’t dressed in her work clothes. Tasha was putting herself out there with no shame. No matter when or where they were interacting, Lawrence never once acted inappropriately. It was more than obvious that Tasha had an interest in him, yet he politely told her he had a girlfriend. Major respect for Lawrence. Despite his flaws, he was 100% committed to Issa. He was too comfortable in their way of life to realize that the relationship was densely clouded with communication issues. He was genuinely taken aback when Issa essentially told him that he was boring and that their relationship was boring as well. tumblr_oh0w6502ys1rxovx9o1_400She did not do him any favors by waiting until she was fed up to express any concerns. He never noticed anything to be wrong, but sometimes we cannot see past our own set of problems. Lawrence was feeling extremely discouraged after his app failed and continuously passed over for jobs after several interviews. He was watching his friends’ careers take off while he was living off unemployment checks and his dwindling savings account. As a man, his ego had taken several L’s. No one wants to fail. No man wants to put himself through college and amass all of this debt just to watch his woman take care of them both. His pride was clearly damaged when he had to go and work at Best Buy. While Issa congratulated him, Tasha from the bank acted as if he had just landed a job at NASA. Her support for Lawrence was unwavering and seemingly unconditional, so it made perfect sense that she would be the one he rebounded with after Issa crushed his soul. I was kind of curious as to when they exchanged numbers, because I would have thought that to be a very important interaction. 

Was Lawrence Wrong?

Twitter has had a very interesting reaction to the finale of Insecure, and the men and women (not surprisingly) are taking opposite sides. The men are cheering Lawrence on as if this is their version of Lemonade, and many women think he took it too far. As a reminder, while Issa was out of town for Kelli’s birthday, Lawrence calls and tells her he misses her. He wants to talk when she gets back. Issa leaves right away, with Molly eventually deciding to drive her home. She walks in and sees Lawrence’s keys on the counter and you can see the hope spark in her eye. As she walks into the bedroom, it takes a moment for her to register what she is seeing. Lawrence’s pillow is gone and so are all of his items off the nightstand. She looks over to the closet and sees that all of his clothes are gone, except for his Best Buy t-shirt. Strong statement or nah? He essentially left Issa and the old him behind, the Best Buy shirt reminding her that the growth she so desperately wanted from him will not be something she gets to experience. This is my take on Lawrence’s Revenge: he was not wrong for sleeping with Tasha. He was a single man. While him luring Issa home under the premise of having a conversation seemed harsh, I get it. He was hurt, and he knew how much it would hurt her to come home only to have her hopes painfully dashed. It was behavior I did not expect from Lawrence, especially after hearing how unimpressed he seemed hearing about his friends’ profane exploits and thoughts on Black women. By using Tasha as a rebound, he personified the lifestyle his friends were bragging about. Rebounds never work out, and now he has used someone who is genuinely interested in him just to soothe his ego and enact his revenge on Issa. But you know what they say: “hurt people, hurt people.” Lawrence is a perfect example of that.tumblr_ohd2541dd41qm5jggo1_1280 What makes Insecure such a good show is the realness of it all. He did what any man would have done. When it comes to love, sex and infidelity, people rarely take the high road. The double standard men have with cheating is that it is fine as long as they are doing the cheating. If the roles are reversed and they are the one who was cheated on, rarely are men forgiving. They have very fragile egos, and most can’t take that kind of betrayal. What Issa’s tryst with Daniel also showed us is how vilified women are if they ever make a mistake and step out of their relationship. Most of us watch Ghost cheat on Tasha every Sunday on Power, yet he does not face the same backlash. I could name countless examples. Women who cheat often face the ultimate punishment and rarely have any sympathizers. We are faced to wear some type of Scarlet Letter for eternity. For example, the character Judith in Tyler Perry’s “Temptation” was bored in a stagnant relationship and Tyler Perry decided to suddenly turn a nice, sweet woman into a drug using, disrespectful monster who ended up with HIV. The film basically told us that the moral of the story is if you cheat on your husband, the consequences are dire, if not deadly. Unfortunately, double standards are a part of the world we live in, and if Issa ever gets Lawrence back, I doubt he will ever be able to fully forgive her. She hurt him, made him feel like an idiot, and he will probably make her pay for it every chance he gets. Looks like we’ll be waiting an entire year to see what happens next.

tumblr_ohcufsby5u1u4ypbyo1_500

Team Light Skin

col·or·ism

ˈkələrˌizəm/

noun

US
  1. prejudice or discrimination against individuals with a dark skin tone, typically among people of the same ethnic or racial group.

Team Light Skin. Team Dark Skin. Light skins are soft. Light skinned girls are evil. Dark skinned girls are tough. Dark skinned men are intimidating. Dark skinned men are winning. Light skins taking all the L’s this year. I don’t like dark skinned girls. Light skinned women are stuck up.”

Ah, all the rhetoric we hear in the Black community regarding the skin tones of our counterparts. In case you didn’t know, colorism is nothing new. Darker skinned slaves were to work in the fields while the lighter skin slaves worked in the big house. Working in the house was considered to be a privilege; no toiling in the elements under the watch of a wrathful overseer. Have you ever read about the horrors house slaves went through as well? Working in such close proximity to your owner was not a walk in the park either. Be that as it may, Black people have been divided on skin color for centuries. During our most tragic period of oppression, this was a key element in keeping slaves from uniting. Find a way to esteem one segment of them over the other, and now you have created resentment. You can’t be strong if you have no unity, meaning you can’t come together to stir up any trouble. The idea that the lighter you are, the better has carried on into present day. Fast forward 200 years, and it is still the same. White people or other races may find darker skinned Black people more intimidating, but it seems as if the bigger issues with skin tones come from inside the Black community. All of the brainwashing has divided us on the very thing we wish to no longer be marginalized for. As I write this I am brought back to 4th grade when two of my good friends told me they didn’t want to be my friend any more because I thought I was “all that” because I am light skinned with long hair. tumblr_o4ep7dycwq1utsvwgo1_500Everything was all good just a day ago, but now I am a villain over things I could not control. They even had the teacher move their desks away from mine. Why would 10 year old girls reject a friend they had fun with daily based off of looks? No child that young should already feel so self-conscious about their skin that they can’t even hold on to an elementary level friendship. Black people as a minority are forced to live in a country where the standard of beauty looks nothing like us. Of course we come in all shades, eye colors, hair colors, etc., but we will never posses the European standard of fair skin, blonde hair and blue eyes. Instead, the Black community desires for someone to look as close to White without actually being White to be considered attractive. Light skin, light eyes, long “good hair.” That’s the recipe. The division in the Black community is staggering. We are divided across gender lines, education, and of course skin color. Outside forces contribute to our lack of unity, but we do much of the damage internally.

Pretty For a Dark Girl

One backhanded compliment that has always made me sick is “Wow, you’re so pretty! What are you mixed with? Oh, you’re not mixed? You’re so pretty to be just Black!” What the hell is that supposed to mean? I forgot that Black women are not supposed to be beautiful. I find our full lips, rich toned skin and thick hair gorgeous. Want to know what’s worse? When another Black person tells a darker Black woman that she’s pretty for a dark skinned girl. So if you took her exact same features and placed them on a lighter canvas, she would look better? The only thing that happens when you tell a dark skinned person they’re pretty for a dark girl is the negative connotations of having dark skin get reinforced. All I hear is “you’re still ugly, just not as ugly as the others.” The beauty of Black people is how diverse we are within our own race. My paternal grandmother is very fair skinned and had red hair. My maternal grandmother was chocolate skinned with thick black hair. Would there be a such thing as beauty if we all looked exactly the same? The media does not help. tumblr_n3fm0yc49w1rdu2lko1_500Usually when you see a Black woman on a commercial she looks mixed or is lighter complexioned. Turn on a music video and the video vixens all have the same look. Light skinned, long weave and voluptuous bodies. Of course this is not always the case, but majority rules. Colorism floods rap lyrics constantly: “I like a long haired, thick red-bone,” “Beautiful black woman, I bet that bitch look better red.” I salute my dark skinned sistas. You have to have thick skin to listen to your own people degrade you, yet still support them nonetheless. As Black people in America, we constantly have to deal with a lack of representation. We’ve had to create our own networks, magazines, carve out a section of Black Twitter, and usually are the only Black faces at our job. We hate it, yet we do it within our own community. So what if we have been conditioned to equate dark skin with aggressiveness and being less attractive? That foolishness has got to stop. Guess what? We are all dark skinned to the police and to the judge. I find it incredibly stupid that we diminish the looks of another Black person just because society has tried to tell us that dark is not valued. You do not have to be light to be attractive, you do not have to be mixed to be beautiful.

Jesse Williams

Unless you live under a rock, you have surely watched or heard about humanitarian/actor Jesse William’s iconic speech at the BET Awards last weekend. In case you missed it, catch a clip of that here. After watching his speech, I felt empowered. I felt understood, and most of all I felt proud. I felt proud to be Black, but I was also proud that he used his moment of recognition to acknowledge us all. It was very moving. But like with everything, people love to rain on the parade. Instead of being supportive, some Black people decided that we only responded with such intrigue to Jesse Williams because he is light skinned with blue eyes. Former NFL player Ochocinco had to write Kendrick Lamar on Twitter to say something to the effect of, he has been saying these things on his albums all along, but no one wanted to listen until a light skinned, pretty boy said something. What a perfect way to shift the focus off of what is really important to petty, dramatic irrelevance. tumblr_o9ev69frkt1qa4l1ko1_540Who cares who says what is important, as long as it is being said? What would have been the complaint if Idris Elba had said it instead of Jesse Williams? He’s dark skinned but he has a British accent, so it doesn’t count? Light skinned people experience racism everyday. I have been followed around in stores. I’ve gone on job interviews where when the interviewer came out and saw she was interviewing a Black woman, her face recoiled. When I first started college, some of the staff couldn’t believe that I wasn’t there on an athletic scholarship. I guess Black people only go to college to dribble or throw a ball around. I was accused of stealing from the mall with my friend when I was 16, and 4 cop cars surrounded us, only to find nothing. What did my light skinned “privilege” do for me on all of those occasions? Nothing. It doesn’t matter how light you are or if your eyes are the color of the sea in the Caribbean, you are going to experience racism. Why try to create a divide between Kendrick and Jesse when we can appreciate them both for trying to open people’s eyes?  The point is to care about the cause. If people were being this petty during the Civil Rights Movement, we would still be sitting in the back of the bus. It’s the message that is important, not necessarily the messenger. It seems like our generation has to make everything a competition and getting credit supersedes solving the problem at hand. I want my student loans eradicated. Would I be salty that they listened to Donald’s solution over Hillary’s? Nope, as long as I’m debt free.

When Preference Turns Into Bashing

When it comes to chicken, I prefer white meat over dark meat. I just think it tastes better. It looks more appetizing and is much juicier. Does that mean I gotta throw shade at dark meat and talk about how I think it tastes less flavorful and how eating chicken thighs annoys me? So many walk the fine line between having a preference and putting something else down. Personally, when it comes to men, I can take them either way; caramel skin or chocolate skin that looks like velvet, it doesn’t matter. Too bad we aren’t all as neutral. I see on Twitter at least once a day men championing light skinned women as if they are the best thing since sliced bread, while demeaning our darker women in the same 140 characters. tumblr_o2a6wpWy3U1slyfcfo1_500We all have a type, but we are also the roots of the same Black tree. In essence, you’re putting yourself and your ancestors down. It’s normal to have a type, you don’t have to be Rae Sremmurd. But why in explaining what you’re attracted to, you have to make it a point to point out something negative regarding your counterpart? Of course we can make jokes within our own community, but sometimes these jokes extend beyond a few laughs. I see so many insensitive jokes toward dark skinned people, the perpetual stereotype of light skinned people being weak, and the defense that everyone is entitled to their own preference which soothes no hurt feelings. As Black women, we hate it when Black men spit on our image in their pursuit of White women and other races. I personally don’t care who wants to date whom, but you don’t have the right to make us feel less than in the process. It’s very normal to fall in love with someone you didn’t originally see as your type, but many just objectify based off of skin tone/color. Do you love the actual person or are you infatuated with their looks? I had a conversation with a man once who said he would only date light skinned mixed Black women or White women because he wanted to have light skinned children. This man said he hated Black women’s nappy hair, but mixed girls have pretty curls and light eyes. I didn’t know he had a degree in genetics or had the ability to design his own children, but what flawed logic to have. He was speaking as if he was swinging his hair in Vidal Sassoon commercials. This man was midnight dark, yet he wanted his future children to look nothing like him. This is what happens when you live in a world where ‘White is Right.’ A certain standard of beauty has been drilled into our heads, and we can’t seem to shake it. We want our lives to matter, yet we throw shade at each other based off looks. Having a hierarchy within our own culture impedes progress. Whether you like light skin, brown skin, purple skin or dark, you can make a choice and still uplift the other. Even if you choose not to uplift us all, that’s fine, just don’t put the rest of us down while doing your thing. I don’t know about you, but I want Black people to be a united front, not divided among lines of color.

 

Why Are You Mad At Me?


We all have our opinions. Depending on the subject, we may even want to add our own 2 cents into the conversation. Well I want to add my 2 cents into why some women feel as if it is their duty to confront the other woman when they find out their boyfriend or husband is cheating. I have been on the receiving end of this, and it gets on my last nerve. It has never escalated to a physical fight (I’m wayyyy too above that) or in person encounter; just texts and/or internet messaging. The badge of a full-fledged side chick has never been a part of my wardrobe, and whenever I was involved with a man who was in a relationship, it was unbeknownst to me. This topic takes me back to high school. Whenever a girl didn’t like me, it was always because her boyfriend did. How is that my fault? HOW SWAY? Is it my fault that you chose a man with wandering eyes? I think not. Anyway, here I am, 7 years post high school graduation and every now and then I will get hit up by some random girl asking me why I am talking to her boyfriend. I don’t want your man, boo boo! I can smell your insecurity through the phone. Last time I checked, I wasn’t in a relationship with you, so who I talk to really isn’t any of your business. So you confronted him as well? Good for you! giphy3You should have if you felt he was acting inappropriately, but leave me out of it. Perhaps I ignite some of your insecurities because since your man is seeking attention from me, I must have something that you don’t have. That’s why you’re mad right? Well guess what? It’s never that deep. Men get bored and they seek out attention from whoever, depending on the timing. Or, maybe you’re just an irrational human being and take everyday conversation to mean something that it’s not. Either way, you should check yourself. Even if I did want your man or was aware of the situation, the beef that develops within your relationship is your problem and yours alone. This mentality does not apply to my family members or friends. I would first of all know their relationship status, and I have no desire to become involved their current or past flames. However, if I don’t know you from Adam, I really don’t care about your relationship. Rude? Maybe, but do I care? Nope! Have you ever considered taking some responsibility for the man you chose? If you had taken more time to learn his character you could have identified those traits that would suggest infidelity. Even though you dropped the ball, no, it is still not acceptable for him to cheat or act inappropriately. But people also shouldn’t cut you off in traffic or not say ‘thank you’ when you hold the door open for them. You can’t control others, but you can control how you choose to respond to the situation. I know that being petty is trendy now, but your pettiness might get your feelings hurt. I am not above hurting feelings to maintain my peace of mind. You take a risk every time you decide to get bold and confront someone over some foolishness. How do you know they’re not crazy? Better not risk angering a hornet’s nest. Probably one of the best reasons to take your issue to the source instead of involving people who really aren’t a factor in your problem.


200

Why Are You Blaming Me?

So now I just want to get to the nitty gritty of this post. If your man is stepping out, WHY ARE YOU ON MY LINE ABOUT IT?!? I am not in a relationship with the two of you. I don’t owe you any loyalty, and don’t try to throw me any bullsh*t about respecting your relationship. I do not know you, so I do not owe you any respect. If you’re married, then there is a certain level of respect people should have for your relationship, so I am not talking about that, but I have had girls come at me for men who aren’t even their boyfriend. That’s next level pathetic. You are mad at a stranger for not respecting your relationship instead of focusing your anger on the person who agreed to be loyal to you. tumblr_ni1nouOGii1sk4npzo1_500This is like on Maury when the alleged baby father comes onto the stage with his new piece, and the baby mama decides to throw insults at her. Backwards, much? You aren’t going to leave him anyway, because if you were, you would be busy kicking him to the curb instead of trying to beef with the profile picture on my Facebook page. Why expel so much energy just to go back to him tonight? You are going to drive yourself insane trying to police his phone and social media for other women. If a woman likes his most recent photo, why are you making it your business to tell her to leave him alone? Your jealousy is going to get the best of you, and I most likely won’t be all that friendly once you contact me because now I’m annoyed. I am not responsible for the actions of your man, so you are out of line to reach out to me. What is your motive? To get me to stop talking to him? Well you’ve succeeded because no one is worth the drama, but you haven’t really won. Once he realizes I’m over it, he’ll be on to the next. In addition, if it has been nothing but innocent conversation, you’re just pushing him away by acting crazy. Men are going to have female acquaintances, co-workers, classmates, etc and you will be the one miserable in the long run because you’re psychotic. If your dude has been having a full on affair with some chick who had no idea about you, then I’m not blaming you for maybe wanting to get a little insight. This post isn’t about you. This is for the Tommie’s from Love & Hip Hop Atlanta who make it their business to eradicate any female who even looks their man (or pretend man’s) way. Maybe your relationship isn’t even really worth it if you spend your free time lurking on girls’ Instagram photos to see if he’s liked their posts and spend the rest of your time starting drama. But hey, what do I know? All I know is I would appreciate it if you weirdos would leave me alone. This hasn’t happened to me in quite awhile, but I’m sure it will again. And I will tell you what I have told the others: “I have no interest in taken men, so I would appreciate it if you would refrain from contacting me further and take this up with him; do not make your personal problems mine, thanks!” And that’s it. I’ve had them try to start arguments and that’s when I hit them with the good ol’ block. The ‘block’ feature is the best invention since caller ID. Ain’t nobody got time for that. Never in life will you get me to argue with you about some dusty dude who has clearly shown you he isn’t worth the dirt on the bottom of your shoe. I save petty arguments for the basic birds. The moral of the story is, if you find your bae in my inbox, go take it up with bae, and let me live in peace. Deal?

Bad Vibes & Toxic People

Vibes speak louder than words. That is a fact, my friend. I can’t stand being around negative people. We all have our bad days, but some people emit negative energy like they eat negativity for breakfast. Everything is a problem for them. This goes beyond minor annoyances like sitting in traffic, troublesome co-workers, or waking up on the wrong side of the bed. Life is out to get them and only them. I HATE IT. I seek peace; it has been in my nature since I could remember. If I can avoid having to deal with people who kill my vibe or contribute stress to my life, I do that. Isn’t it enough to constantly see news regarding mass shootings, missing airplanes, Donald Trump and all of the other sad stories we are exposed to on a daily basis? Stay away from me with your ‘woe is me’ dialogue, Debbie Downer. So what is it that makes some people drown in negativity? I contribute it to their thought process. We all see the world through our own lens, so if you see nothing positive in your life, it is impossible to see the good in life. Negative people spew their negative energy to everyone around them, bringing us all down. Misery loves company, but I am not bringing balloons and wine to your pity party. tumblr_nrgnbnrqy81qkvda9o1_500What people who complain constantly often don’t notice is that they are always complaining. Know someone like this? Bring it up to them and I bet they will look at you like you’re crazy. It has to be a miserable existence to wake up every morning on the defensive. Life is definitely not a cakewalk, but it is a gift. Nope, its not fair. “Fair” is a place where you go to get cotton candy and ride the twist-a-whirl or whatever it’s called. We should all be protective of the people that we surround ourselves with. You could constantly be surrounding yourself with toxic people and not even realize it until you do an audit of the people you associate with. What do your main associates really talk to you about?  Is it their personal problems, instead of their personal accomplishments? Do they ask you about what is going on with you, or are they using you as their personal sounding board to vent out all of their issues? Do the people you work with spend all their time complaining about your boss or other co-workers? You don’t have to listen to that sh*t. Maybe I am too much of an optimist, but I try to see the good in everything. Optimist, realist, or opportunist, negative people get on my nerves. All that being said, I just wanted to go over the handful of negative types that grind my gears the most. So let’s begin, *birdman hand rub.*

The Complainer

Complaining is just one of those things that human beings do. We all have the right to vent our frustrations. I complain often about stupid drivers, annoying clients at work, and just the everyday perils of life. Not even half an hour ago I was complaining to my mom about how I need a raise for how much my workload has increased over the last couple of weeks. I am a work in progress. I’m complaining in this post about how complainers annoy me (ironic, maybe)? Either way, my point is The Complainer finds fault in everything…literally everything. “I’m bored.” “This is stupid.” “I wish I had more money.” “They gave her the raise when I’m the one doing all the work.” SHUT UP! Did you ever stop and think that no one cares? Constant complaining without making any effort to improve your situation is nothing but whining. Being around people like this will start to bring you down. If you cannot be positive, do us all a favor and be quiet. It is stressful constantly listening to someone speak about the lack of control they seem to have over their own lives. It seems as if The Complainer appreciates nothing, but expects everything. This negativity spews onto everyone else, and begiphycause complaining often becomes a habit, they often don’t realize they are doing it. I feel my stress levels rise every time I listen to someone complain, try to offer a solution, but they brush it off as nonsense. Complaining is not just an act of observing your life/surroundings and voicing your views, it actually takes effort. When you complain, you invite negative thoughts to settle in your mind and end up attracting the very things you complain about back into your life. The Complainer isn’t a bad person, they’re just giving themselves a bad experience of life. Nothing is as bad as you make it seem. When I get in a bad mood and start being negative, I stop myself. It really only makes you feel worse. If you don’t know by now that complaining about things you can’t control is a total waste of time, now you know. If you’re complaining about things you CAN control, then it obviously isn’t bothering you that much because you would have done something to change the situation by now.

The Blamer

The Blamer can really kill your vibe. This type of person has an inability to take responsibility for their actions. Avoid people like this. Nothing is ever their fault, and they will show you time and time again why they cannot be trusted. Often full of excuses, The Blamer has a reason why they f*ck up everything, and its always because of someone or something else. “I would be farther ahead in life if I had this…” “My mom did this to me so now I can’t do this…” “If you would have reminded me, I could have finished it.” Know anyone like this? Remove them from your life. They are self-absorbed and cannot see past their own immaturity. At the end of the day, the only person responsible for your affairs is YOU. You can’t blame your plight in life on being Black, being a woman, or being whatever it is that is holding you back in your mind. Of course, there are legitimate reastumblr_m6sa8i80081qggwbio1_500ons why some people can’t do some things. I can’t sing, so there’s no way I can say I failed myself at not following my dream of being Beyonce. I can, however, pick up a book so the fact that I keep dragging my feet on applying to a graduate program is my own fault. The Blamer does not realize that in order to solve their problems, they have to own them. You can’t be afraid to confront your issues. Passing the buck is what children do because they are afraid of the consequences. What is sad is that when you spend all of your time placing blame on others, you lose opportunity after opportunity to change yourself and your circumstances. With anything, the hardest part is getting started. Pay closer attention to yourself and take note of every time you try to use others as a scapegoat for your own failings. You aren’t emotionally closed off because someone broke your heart and you’re not as a**hole because of it. You are those things because you choose to not confront your own insecurity. “The Man” isn’t holding you back; you’re just too lazy to get back up after you’ve been knocked down. If you are a blamer, do us all a favor and keep that behavior to yourself until you can reevaluate your life.

The Pessimist

The type of negative person that seems to bring me down the most is The Pessimist. Pessimistic people walk around with no hope, and make you feel crazy for seeing the good in any given situation. I would be miserable if every time I was confronted with a negative situation, I basically threw in the towel. What is life if you have no hope? You can be broke, living in the street but if you have even just a smidgen of hope, you’ll see it through. Sure, the night is dark and full of terrors (Game of Thrones reference in case you didn’t know), but why should the possibility of bad things happening keep you from being happy or taking chances? Any person with common sense is able to tell when something is a lost cause, but The Pessimist thinks anything with a chance of a failed outcome is a total waste of time. Hand a pessimist lemons to make lemonade, and they will say what’s the point without any sugar and water? As I said previously, I prefer to be calm and peaceful, but people with this mentality make me want to slap the taste outta their mouth. I can’t be around them. Even if being optimistic doesn’t do much more for you than being tumblr_n308ga30zk1s4xucdo1_500pessimistic, at least you’ll be happier while everything is falling apart. You absolutely have to change your perspective if you don’t want to be miserable. Negative people like this think that having low expectations will save them from pain and disappointment, but that’s not true. You’re just wasting your existence. Wake up, Eeyore. Having low expectations won’t save you, its just going to bring more negativity into your life. Its a vicious cycle. You think your shitty attitude proves you right everything something bad happens, but bad things keep happening to you because that is the energy you are emitting. You might as well walk around with a “My Life Sucks” target on your head, because bad things are going to keep coming your way, pessimist. Change your perspective. I am sure that it is difficult to kick out years and years of negative thought patterns from your mind, but it is possible. Perception is reality. If you perceive things as being good, good things will come to you. It may seem silly, but it really is true. Try it out and see how your life starts to adjust accordingly. Its the least you can do so that you can stop torturing we positive folk in the meantime. Change your thoughts and thank me later.