2019. What a year it was. These past 12 months felt like 8, maybe. They didn’t lie when they said time starts to fly by at rapid speed once you reach adulthood. So what has this year been like? At the very onset of 2019, I was grieving the loss of a very dear friendship. This was unfortunately a case of unrequited feelings; the type of predicament where you feel friendship just doesn’t cut it anymore. Be that as it may, this was a person I had a genuine friendship with, so losing that relationship was a huge, rough pill to swallow. However, the positive side of this painful situation was that it set me on a path to truly do what is best for me, in every way. I started to reflect on my mindset: was I truly as well-adjusted as I believed? The short answer was absolutely not. I was constantly second-guessing myself, minimizing my pains as well as my accomplishments, denying my true feelings, and living in a shoulda, coulda, woulda mindset. Cutting off my friendship with the person I mentioned above was probably one of the hardest things I have ever done, but it was a wake up call and through it all, I was immensely proud of myself. My emotional well-being and strong sense of self is more important to me than anything, so I hope my list of behaviors that no longer serve me will provide some help to you as well.
Self-doubt is a killer. I used to think all of the “believe in yourself!” talk was just a bunch of cliche, self-help jargon, but it is so much more than that. Upon hours of self-reflection (and therapy), I realized how much I second guess myself, and that it truly comes from a place of fear. When I think back to my teen years and younger, I was fearless. If I wanted to do something, I did it. The “what if” thoughts did not enter my head. It was just ready, set, go. Of course back then, I had the safety net of my parents and not a lot of life experience to jade me, but I was filled with the confidence that things would work out because that was the only option I would accept. Fast forward 5-10 years later and the inner mean girl that moved into my head came with suitcases full of negative talk, fear, and doubt. Just plopped down and threw her stuff all over. The consequences? The suffering of my personal growth, mental clarity and overall well-being. While I don’t live with regret, I had to recognize the aftermath of not trusting my instincts due to self-doubt. There have been high paying jobs I decided to not submit my resume for because I felt unqualified, college projects I refrained from stepping up to because I didn’t think I could properly lead, the list goes on. Well, no more of that! I realized that I have been equipped with everything I need to become the woman I desire. Believe it or not, I am the eternal optimist. Perhaps it’s the Sagittarius in me, who knows? However, I have had several instances where I just simply felt as if I was not good enough. Not successful enough. Not rich enough. Not pretty enough. And for who? There wasn’t anyone in particular that I was comparing myself to, that’s not my style. I wasn’t living up to my own standards, but these were unfair standards I had placed on myself, and it was hindering my personal growth. No more in 2020.
Money, money, money! Now, I’ve never been one who is afraid of spending money or buying myself nice things, but thanks to this lovely book, I learned that it is time I change my relationship with cash. We hear all the time how money is the root of all evil, most of us feel as if we never have enough, and we look down on folks who are rolling in the dough as if they are greedy, selfish monsters who take more than they give. Our general attitudes towards money are completely contradictory. We look forward to payday, flip out when we find a dollar on the ground and wish we had more of it, yet constantly complain about how we’re lacking and resent those in a better financial position. See the paradox? How can you manifest and attract more money if you’re confusing the universe on what you want? If we want more money yet people who have it are bad, God or who/whatever you believe in will not know what to do with you. Like anything else, money is energy and if you expel loads of negative vibes when it comes to your financial circumstances, how do you expect to attract better? Until value was placed upon it, money was nothing but a flimsy piece of paper with an old man’s face on it.
The book in the link above explains it much better than I can, but the key is to live as if you already have everything you need. As I mentioned earlier, I have no problem buying things for myself, but I would still make moves in fear. Buyer’s remorse was a feeling I had become all too familiar with. No one is saying go spend your rent money on Beyonce tickets, but start seeing money as a tool to propel you, not a hindrance that doesn’t allow you to live the life you want. The author mentions how she was in the market for a new car and everything within her wanted the Audi over the Honda. Much higher payment of course, but by allowing herself to drive what she truly deserved, she was forced to level up in her career so that she could afford the payments. This motivation allowed her to become more successful and start making the money she knew she was worth, and then some. I will be letting go of any sense of lack I held on to and start attracting what I am meant to have.
Fear is perhaps the root of everything I have mentioned above. Fear can cause people to do irrational things. Fear of rejection was the reason I held in my true feelings for my friend for so long. Fear of loneliness, fear of being broke, fear of failure. Well I have finally realized that I might as well go for what I want, because if I am rejected, or fail at something, I’m not gonna die (unless I finally decide to face my fear of skydiving and the jump goes wrong). When you operate from a place of fear, you vibrate at a low frequency. The universe knows you don’t trust it to have your back, so you rob yourself of opportunities. Fear shows up in many different ways. I can’t lie, the fear of being hurt and disappointed has made me emotionally unavailable. I’ve had several bad experiences in the dating game, and have put a wall up in an effort to protect my poor lil heart. If they don’t get too close, they can’t hurt me, right? Sure, but I’m really hurting myself by robbing the right person of the opportunity to get to know me. I may have missed out on quite a few amazing men, but because of this barrier I will never know. The bright side of this is my level of awareness. Now that I know what my problem is and where it stems from, I am on the path to fixing it. I am doing my inner work by affirming myself, setting my intentions and being more open. Positive affirmations retrain your brain by forming new neural pathways that can wipe out all those old sentiments you carry around. Hop on Pinterest and search “positive affirmations” and you will be on the right track. Intention setting is also very helpful because you alert the universe to what you want, in a positive way. Click here to learn how to set your own intentions. Roll into 2020 taking care of you and you will begin to manifest the life you want. That’s what I plan to do, anyway.