I Used To Be a “Pick Me”

Before I get started on my little Ted Talk, you may have read the title and asked, “what is a Pick Me?” Social media (Twitter, to be specific) has officially coined a term for the type of female who goes out of her way to broadcast her amazing qualities and achievements. If she is single, you will often see complaints about how men love hoes and ratchets and overlook good women like her. If she is in a relationship, she will give lectures on how to get and keep a man, and if you can do neither, it’s because you’re lacking something in regards to your looks, character, and/or bedroom skills. There is a male version of this as well, I like to call it the Nice Guys Finish Last Syndrome. You know those guys who are constantly complaining about how they would treat a woman like a queen but we only want jailbirds and cheaters? I can’t wait to expound on that topic. Anyway, I went to Urban Dictionary to read the colorful definition of this term I knew they were sure to give, and I was not disappointed:

Exhibit A
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This intrigued me because look at the differing definitions. This has been the foundation of the debate. Are the Pick Me’s just begging for attention and acceptance from our male counterparts by broadcasting how well they will treat a man, or do they genuinely find fulfillment in catering to a man’s every need? Does it go beyond begging for acceptance into a more complex issue?
Exhibit B
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In my past, I used to think that because I am college educated, articulate, childless and attractive that I was more desirable and deserving of a good man than a woman who did not possess those exact same qualities. I was not a “hoe”, but a good girl who had morals and values. With all of my goody-goody attributes and University of Washington degree, I was still single. If I wasn’t single, I may as well have been because the men I was entertaining were the exact opposite of everything I felt I was and they played more games than Lebron. Life quickly taught me that no one gives a d*mn about how good I look on paper. A man will cheat on Michelle Obama just as quickly as Cardi B. Now that I’m “woke,” I realize that my mentality was a classic case of internalized misogyny. We are socialized to believe that women are to be modest and that no good man wants a “hussy.”
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Are You a Good Partner or a Pick Me?

Most of us enjoy doing nice things for the ones we love. I am a gift giver. I absolutely love giving gifts. I have some great people in my life, and to show my appreciation, I tend to put a lot of thought into the things I do for them. I don’t expect anything in return except that they continue to put a smile on my face and bring me joy. I’m quite shocked I’m more of Quality Time/Words of Affirmation Love Language than Receiving/Giving Gifts. If you’re a Pick Me, your Love Language is an antiquated 1950’s version of Acts of Service. You’re still socialized to believe that in order to keep a man, you must be Martha Stewart with the sex appeal of Rihanna, but only in the house, because if you show your body off to outsiders, you’re a hoe. I read something once where some poor soul admitted to doing her boyfriend’s homework, made his lunch each day, washed all of his clothes, and you know what he did? He went out and cheated. The girl was so perplexed. Why would he cheat? After all, she did everything a good woman was supposed to do. He was well taken care of, so he should have been content, right? WRONG. giphySelf-imposed slavery is not the key to faithfulness. I see women brag about being Holly Homemaker all the time, then you see their Instagram 6 months later and all those pictures of bae have magically disappeared. I guess all those Thanksgiving sized plates she was making every night weren’t fulfilling enough to hold the relationship together. Why are you basing what you can bring to the table off of how well you can bake a cookie or fold a shirt? Most of these men can barely boil water, yet you feel pressured to have a PowerPoint presentation showcasing all of your top tier wifey material traits. I remember thinking that I needed to amp up my culinary skills because no man wants a woman who can’t cook. I’m decent in the kitchen, but if you’re looking for Paula Deen, you might want to keep searching. I eventually stopped caring because if a man is really into you, he’ll sit at the table and eat Hot Pockets by candlelight. It’s best to do things in a relationship because you enjoy them, not out of some sense of domestic obligation. You don’t want to put on airs in the beginning in regards to how you operate because you will burn out. The other shoe will drop and he will see you have been living a lie. Just bring your true self to the table. If he doesn’t like what you’re serving, he can go eat somewhere else. We all have strengths and unique qualities that we should be proud of, so take some time to find out what you like and what you are good at. Develop yourself. Pretending to be someone you’re not is a surefire way to failure, so stop the false advertising.

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One of the most underrated scenes in Bridesmaids is at Lilian’s engagement party when one of the other bridesmaids kept reminding Annie that she didn’t have a husband. This is so common. Getting a man to walk down the aisle is seen as an accomplishment for a woman, because oh joy, a man finally picked you out of all the others. Marriage is a beautiful thing, no doubt. Committing yourself to one person and embarking on a life journey together is lovely, but so many women act like they’ve won Miss Universe because of it. For men, settling down is often seen as a punishment. No more late nights with the boys, no more one night stands, no more juggling as many chicks as your hands could handle. How funny. Either way, I blame society. We’ve been force fed for centuries the idea that all decent girls get married before they hit middle age, and if you can’t keep a man, something is clearly wrong with you. Until you had a ring on your finger, you were supposed to keep your legs closed and be a “good” young lady, otherwise risk being called a street woman or a hussy. This was much more of an issue back in the day, but many of these sentiments are still prevalent. Let a married  woman or even a woman with a boyfriend have a disagreement with a single lady, and I would be willing to bet my last dollar that somewhere in the argument, “you don’t even have a man” will come up. Internalized misogyny everywhere! Too much of your identity is tied to your relationship status if you think you can make assumptions on another woman’s character simply based off if she has a significant other. It’s always “you don’t have a man,” “maybe if you did x, y, and z he would still be around,” or “that’s why you’re still single.” If you do this, please stop. People are here today, gone tomorrow in this life, so you never know when you’ll be buying a new home in Singleville. The perceived embarrassment that comes with being perpetually single is what drives so many women to settle for men they wouldn’t have looked twice at in the past. You had all these extravagant standards for what you wanted in a man, but you settled for 2/10 things on your list because being able to say you have a man is better than saying you don’t. After all, how can you taunt other women with “where your ring at, sis?” if you keep waiting on Mr. Right to fall into your lap? Mr. Right Now will just have to do. Don’t fall for that logic. If you’re single, embrace it. Not every woman is dying to have a man strapped to her hip, but most people do want companionship. Love will come, and the more time you spend exploring your own hobbies and growing into the woman you’re meant to be, the less likely you are to settle. As a person who has been single for awhile, I sometimes find myself thinking about when I will find that one person who will make me give up the single life, but it’s not because I feel the pressures of society weighing on my shoulders, and certainly not because I feel like I have to compete with other women. I just know what I’m looking for, and want to take my time to find it.

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As I matured into a more well-rounded young woman, I stopped seeing relationships as a prize and realized I am the prize here. I want my fellow ladies to realize that their worth is not tied to being picked by a man. Life is not The Bachelor, we are not here to audition for the honor of being crowned a girlfriend or a wife. I believe that marriage should not be a shallow goal, but a desire to find that person that makes you feel happy and cherished. I hate to see women weaponize their love life against other women. Who knows if sexism will ever cease to exist, but let’s not perpetuate it by judging the lifestyles of other women because they are more sexually liberated, dress a certain way, or don’t have the most luck at love. It’s just not a good look. Men have started wars over us, but here we are acting like they are the ones who belong on a pedestal. I often poke fun at Pick Me’s, but then I realized it was important for me to acknowledge that I used to be one as well. I didn’t pop out the womb with this mindset. Like many women, I believed that if I did well in life, was nice to people and wasn’t loose that I would be wifed up by 25 with a picket fence. Funny how life works out. Be who you want to be, not who you think a man wants you to be.

 

 

 

Dating Secrets Every Woman Should Know

Nobody enjoys dating. The process of meeting new people. Do you wait for someone to approach you in public? Do you jump on a dating app? Do you take things into your own hands and shoot your shot by flirting with that guy at the gym or by sliding in the DMs of that cute guy who always likes your pictures? Even after you meet someone, then you have to actually “date” which means going out and getting to know them. Are they a texter or a talker? Do they want to go out on a proper date or are they trying to Netflix and chill you? How many dates before it’s official? How many dates before sex? Should you or shouldn’t you date more than one person at a time? The life of a single person is full of anxiety because they overthink everything listed above. I wrote BlackGirlsAreEasy.com as well as numerous books on how to date step by step, yet so many women have yet to Spartan Up and apply these rules to their lives. They either sit on the bench and wait for some guy to fall in their lap or they keep recycling the same penis they’ve known for years because the devil they know can’t truly break their heart. Let’s cut to the root of the problem—TRUST. Men are sneaky, flaky, and filled with contradictory behavior, so you never know who wants you or wants to use you. I tell men to be more honest, I’ve even written a book for them, but let’s keep it real, preaching to men won’t save you. The solution isn’t to fix the broken males, it’s to hop over the trash men so you can attract and secure a quality one. The first step in that is knowing the game as played by my fellow men…

Common Sense Secrets:

All Men Prioritize Sex First, Money Second, Love Third.

When A Man Says, “I’m Not Looking For Anything Serious” He’s Leaving Off “With You”.

Men Are Competitive So They Run Back When You Find Someone, But They Don’t Actually Want You Back.

There’s No Such Thing As Too Busy.

Older Guys Settle For Women They Dogged When Younger Because They Know They’re Push Overs.

Men Will Use You As A Placeholder Until They Come Across the Trophy They Really Want.

A Woman Can’t Change A Man. He Either Changes On His Own Or Not At All.

The Majority of Men Think Women Aren’t Very Smart…

You all know this I would hope, but you still fall for game because by nature you’re nice and give people the benefit of the doubt. Nice doesn’t win in this world. I hate seeing smart women get played by guys who come with the most transparent tactics. I’ve done a lot of these things personally, and as I matured I felt it a duty to put women up on game, not as Karmatic repayment, but because this world is dependent on strong women. Relationships and how to maneuver this world remains the biggest challenge for even the most book smart or successful women. So today I’m going to show you how any woman can rise up and get the type of love she deserves, not the kind of love she’s offered.

PROLOUGE: No More Excuses

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Where you live. How You Look. Men Are Trash. These three things are the crutches that many women prop up as to why they’re just going to focus on self and be content with their vibrator. I hear it all the time: GL, only ugly guys approach me, and the cute ones are either broke, taken, or have a reputation. GL, guys go for my friends over me because I’m not as pretty. GL, I live in a wack city where everyone knows each other, all the men are hoes, there’s no hope for me. The first step in righting the wrongs of your love life is to stop making excuses as to why you haven’t been successful. I’ve literally talked with women from every state in the union and those from Europe, Asia, and Africa. Not once has the city, their looks, or the lack of quality men stood in the way of those women finding love, it was their methods. I could fly to your city tomorrow, be your wingman, and find a hot spot where you would be introduced to someone new and interesting who you would have never ran into on your own. How? Because you don’t go anywhere but the same old tired spots with the same old tired friends because you’re not creative in your approach to being social. It’s not about the clubs, the parties, or the concerts nor is it about swiping on Tinder until you come across a cute guy. Connections can only be made when you step out of your comfort zone long enough to be friendly.

PART 1: Baiting A Man

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The Odds Are Set To 80%: Every woman breathing has an 80% chance of pulling any man she encounters. Are you going to dwell on the 20% chance that you’ll run into someone that isn’t impressed or has something else on his plate? Most of you will. That slim chance that someone will take your number but won’t call you or someone who your inbox won’t take it further than a casual “hey” scares the piss out of you. Fear keeps you in a box where the only men you will come across are the extra-friendly ones that come at you first, and trust the same way they’re being extra-friendly with you is being repeated with multiple women because quantity > quality. So here you are, stuck in the same old basic chick cycle of dealing with a man you didn’t even like but who was there. Months pass and it ends, and you realize that you wasted all that energy on someone that wasn’t even up to the standards you have in your head. Why? Because you don’t risk rejection—ever!

Dating, meeting men, it all becomes a lot more fun when you realize that your vagina is literally an Infinity Gauntlet. 80% is high, and it ticks up depending on how pretty you are. Let’s say that the average man would rate you a 7, maybe an 8 with makeup on. You’re already above that 80% and close to 95% odds that you won’t miss any shot you shoot. How do I know this? I’ve seen it all my life. I’ve coached girls to swing for the fences. And the statistics all line up with what I’m telling you. For example, I became friends with this girl from Atlanta who’s far from skinny, and really worked on her self-esteem. She went on to date one of the biggest rappers in the world, someone most women openly lust for, and she had him blowing up her phone. She wasn’t built like Draya, but she understood her strengths and played up to them. The secret that will lay the foundation going forward is to know that it’s a very slim chance that you will get rejected. It could happen, but guess what? There are more men out there, and the more you repeat it, the less scary it feels. It’s always worth going for what you want. Ask the girl’s that’s smashing your favorite rapper who was in your same place a year ago.

GO OUT BY YOURSELF: Where do you go to meet men? Most likely the internet, work, or you meet them through a friend. You’re boring, all you do is nap, work, and online shop so of course your options for guys are thinner than Anne Hathaway in Yoga Pants. Here’s a secret for those of you that embraced the confidence of the 80% rule—you’re a magnet. Let’s talk about attraction on a real level. You are a pretty woman that has a vagina that half of the population would dive into if given an opportunity. The problem for men is how do they get to you? Girls are like wolves, they usually move in packs with their friends, their sisters, their cousins, even other men. These people are walls. An aggressive man will run up on you because, again men take advantage of opportunity, but there are legions of other males that will keep walking by because they don’t want to interrupt in a group.

Your excuse will sound like this, “I need a man with the heart to approach me no matter where I’m at, that’s telling me he really wants me.” Okay, Basica, go back over there and have quiet time. Logic and your track record with men has proven that just because a man tries to holla at you, doesn’t mean he’s “the one”. It just means he’s bold. Here’s something to test out. The next time you’re hungry or bored, go out by yourself. It could be Starbucks to order coffee and sit at a table and read a book. It could be the mall food court to sit and just eat a damn pretzel. The longer you’re out, the more eyes are on you. We as men don’t think, “look at this werido by herself.” That’s what your negative mind thinks because you’ve been programmed to be under people or a part of a group. Men will look, some will speak, some will even walk over to you. As a single person, you should want this. Of course, there will be some lames that you brush off, but there will also be guys that are your type that catch your eye. The most successful tip I’ve seen played out is women who sit at the bar counter when eating or having a drink. Two years ago, I had a girl meet her now husband at the Buffalo Wild Wings bar when she sat next to him and asked to see a menu. Just last week, my lesbian friend met some girl at a brunch by sitting next to her and complimenting her purse. Finding someone is no longer about waiting, it’s about putting yourself out there.

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MEN LOVE AGGRESSIVE WOMEN: Let’s recap. You have the confidence of Thanos because you know you can have virtually any man you set your sights on. You aren’t afraid to go out in public to create an opportunity for an off-line connection. How do you turn that into actual GAME? A lot of women don’t know how to flirt. They know how to be sassy, how to tease, and how to give attitude when they secretly like a guy, but they don’t know how to say without words, “hey I like you.” Here’s the secret—you must become Sasha Fierce. Every woman, even Beyoncé, has an alter ego character she stores in her head. That bad ass chick who speaks her mind with no filter. You must let the other side of you loose around men. It was cool to giggle around men and say corny stuff like, “stop playing,” when you were 19. A grown woman doesn’t giggle, she smiles with her eyes. A grown woman doesn’t turn her glance away, she stares through a man like she would eat him alive. A grown woman doesn’t have awkward silences, she questions—how are you? That’s a nice shirt, where did you get it? Your girlfriend let you out of the house? Does that sound scary? Is talking to a strange man you think is cute too nerve wrecking for you to be that free with your words? Then you failed the first part! Your confidence has to be on Floyd Mayweather anytime you’re in the room with the opposite sex. I’m not saying that shy girls don’t get men, I’m saying that an aggressive woman steals a man’s soul.

What makes men talk to you and walk away without getting your number? It’s probably not your breath. It’s the lack of impression. Guys mastered this for the most part. They make jokes, they compliment, they use sexual undertones, all to make you smile or react. Why? Because he knows when you go home you’re going to still be thinking about how cool and fun he was. That’s an impression. The size of your butt in those jeans shouldn’t be the only impression you leave on a man. Personality is the most important weapon in any woman’s armory. When you’re on Snap or IG it’s easy to get your personality through because you’re performing for the camera or captioning a pretty picture with something witty. That stuff goes out of the window when you must speak face to face. The light switch in your head should be like a Power Ranger morphing. He’s sitting next to you or asking you your name, you can’t just grin and look like a deer in the headlights. In your head, you morph. “Watch me eat this mother***ker alive!” From there it’s not about what you say or reading a script, it’s being yourself but turned up to 10.

PART 2: Hooking A Man

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VERBAL CONVERSATIONS: Women who email me usually run into a problem most of you can relate to—my text got taken the wrong way. We live in a world where texting has replaced the phone call. The problem with that is the first week that you’re talking to someone, there is a huge margin for error tone wise. You can’t read sarcasm that well through text. It’s hard to get to know a person just typing in that format. What ends up happening is a bunch of chit-chat, some sexual flirtation, and him asking to see you soon. By the time you do meet up, he’s being overly sexual because he mistook you for a thotty from your text conversation. You’re into him, but you’re not an object, you want to go out and talk and actually get to see how this guy thinks and share your own life story. This is no exaggeration, I’m talked to over a thousand women who have slept with men who they didn’t even know basic things about like his last name or what he did at work. When I question these ladies, it all comes back to, “we didn’t really talk, we texted all day.” Stop being so dense! Texting is to supplement verbal conversations not a replacement for them.

Once you get past the meet and greet stage and are about to go on that first date, you must talk to him with your actual mouth. I don’t care if it’s telling him to call you after work or you doing a FaceTime session. Listening to how someone talks and what they talk about even before you sit down for a dinner date or go out to do some activity is crucial in establishing a bond and weeding out obvious red flags. I have friends who are the biggest dogs in the world, and they get away with a lot of it because all they do is text various girls BS that soothes their egos, set up night time chill sessions, and keep it moving. Who is this man? Where does he live? What was his last relationship? What does he do for a living? If you text this, you get cut and dry answers. If you ask it with your damn mouth, you hear the lies in his tone. You can sniff out hesitation. Talking allows you to poke holes in a man’s story in ways texting never could. Stop being afraid to talk, and if he doesn’t want to call you or pick up, that red flags dictates that he gets thrown back in the sea with the rest of these clown fish because he’s up to something.

TALK PRESENT NOT PAST: Just as important as hearing a man’s story out is sharing your own life. The secret to initial conversation is keep your cards close to the vest. Why are you on a first date talking about your ex-boyfriend and all the ways he did you dirty? Because he asked? Who is he to know that? We as men know that women over-talk about things they’re affected by. Work beefs, friend drama, exes… they will run off at the mouth venting. Through that venting you learn her weaknesses. Think about a first phone call or a first date. You tell him your ex cheated on you. He’s going to want to know how you found out, how long it was going on, if you knew the girl. He’s doing research to see how dumb you are. This is lost on you because you’re tied up in telling a story that’s been pissing you off for a long time. In the end he’ll tell you that your ex was trash and he would never do you like that. He won’t because he’ll do it better now knowing how that other dude messed up.

This isn’t just with exes, it’s with any past failure. You didn’t finish school, or you couldn’t get a job in your major, your family issues, it all creates a character profile to be exploited. So, what should you talk about besides him in order to give insight into your bomb personality? You share your strengths like it’s a job interview. It’s not about where you work now, it’s how you’re rising the ranks or how good you are at your job. It’s not about your ex, he had issues, but he taught you valuable lessons. That’s all you need to say about that man. It’s not about how your Dad did your Mom or how he treated you. Give an anecdote about growing up but this isn’t the time for a therapy session. The point is, you’re a strong woman who was forged by that hard knock past, show her passion not her pain.

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FUNNY X NASTY: Every man thinks he’s Kevin Hart when he’s on a date because women love two things: Laughing and eating. Being a good time is mandatory for a man to win you over, he knows that. As a woman you’re most likely clueless who how to win a guy over from lust to genuine affection. Let’s drop the ego for a second. When I say “win a man over” it’s not saying you need to bend over backwards and give him head on the first date or buy the dude an Apple Watch. The same way a guy is trying to either entertain you or spoil you to get brownie points, you have to think about how you can show him you’re truly different from the other girls he dated in the prior months. The secret that most women don’t know is that as men we see the same exact personality patterns. I went on a date with a girl who lived in Santa Monica who acted the same way as a girl from South Philly. Talked about the same things, laughed the same way, played shy at the same moments, and even gave up the panties in the same manner. It’s all parody because women are taught to dumb down their personalities around guys they like instead of being that fun person they are when with friends or family.

ARE YOU FUNNY? I’m not talking Tiffany Haddish, perform a damn stand up funny. Can you verbally spar with a man? Do you have wit? Can you recall a funny story? Are you able to point to something in the vicinity and make a funny observation? If the answer is “yes” then congratulations because not many women do that. Are you nasty? Yeah, you can recite rap lyrics about getting your ass ate and if this date goes well you might send him a nude, but 9 out of 10 women do that. In my book Ho Tactics, I broke down the psychology of what turns a man on because so many females are way too conservative to tread into that realm. You don’t want to come off like a hoe or a freak. Common sense dictates that a man will assume he’s going to hit by the end of the night regardless of what you say. You could read Bible verses and he’ll still try to get your bra off the moment you’re alone. Don’t let opinions curve your seduction techniques. When I say get nasty, I’m talking about promoting the idea of you as a sexual being. The way you dress. The way you yawn. The way you touch his hand or shoulder when he makes you laugh. It should all spell out S-E-X. When you’re talking, there is always an opportunity to say something slightly filthy. “Work has been killing me this week.” Smile, and grin, “See, I was hoping you had stamina.” That kind of daring retort will have a man in the palm of your hand. The more you bait him with lines like that or accidental touching, the more he wants you. By the time you give him a goodnight hug, there won’t be a doubt that he’s going to do whatever he can to see you again because you inspired lust and you left an impression with your personality. You’re the kind of Unicorn other girls only pretend to be.

PART 3: Securing the Right Man

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FOOL’S GOLD: “GL, I did everything in your book and I ended up with a guy, but he turned out to be trash just like the rest of them.” Is a real email I received. This woman and I corresponded for about a month and she laid out the entire relationships and without me saying anything she realized why she ended up with a trash ass man—she ignored the red flags because she really wanted him to work. We’re all in a rush. It’s an A.D.D generation where we want to stop dating and get into a relationship. Ladies, everything I write has been proven to work. Not because of me, but because you all are capable of Bossing up and taking what you want—men, job opportunities, anything. The warning label on life reads that not everything you want or attain will be right for you. You can make a list, do a vision board, manifest what you put your mind to, and then realize it wasn’t at all what you imagined. Know that you will have to let go of people, that you will misjudge character, and that some masks don’t come off at first pull. Fool’s Gold shines like the real thing, but it doesn’t hold up to constant inspection.

When dating you can’t afford to put all of your eggs in one basket. No matter how sincere someone seems, you take your time, you pick up those red flags, and you never build them up as irreplaceable. He’s just a friend. You like him, but you don’t love him. He’s building with you, not a permanent fixture. Most of you are only single because the last man broke your heart

DATE MULTIPLE MEN: Date multiple men. This doesn’t men sleep with, spend the night with, or even kiss multiple men. Dating means dating. You allow each man you come across with your new aggressive personality and confidence, and deem worthy, to take you out. You meet Robert this week and yet met Jake last week. You don’t choose one or the other, you let them both take you out and see who is the most impressive. When men compete—YOU WIN. No excuse about how you can’t juggle that many guys. If you can have ten tabs open on your phone and switch through four social media apps like it’s nothing, you can set up a date for Saturday and a date for Sunday. It’s not that hard. What you’re doing is trying to play nice. You want to seem like a loyal woman. LMAO! You’re loyal to an actual boyfriend not a guy who’s taking you out to AMC for popcorn and a movie. By dating multiple men, you level the playing field and keep yourself from being desperate. A woman with no options is more likely to settle than a woman with a roster.

A not so secret is that the more jealous you can make a man, the better. I’m not talking about flirting with guys in front of him or telling him he’s the third date of the week. Be smart and strategic. If he asks if you’re dating other people, tell him you’ve been testing the waters like any single woman should then flip it back on him. If he wants to know more details about other men, be aggressive and stern by telling him to focus on the two of you because he currently has your attention. Basicas never do this because they are scared to death about turning a man off. Spartans do it all the time because they understand that a man who knows he’s not your only option will work harder. Inside every grown man is a little boy that still has to be first. Use this knowledge!  

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SAY WHAT YOU WANT: Today’s men no longer have to play along as if they want to be your man. “I’m not looking for anything serious,” or “I’m cool with being friends,” works in terms of getting sex. There are women that will actually go along as if they don’t have feelings for a guy. Get sucked into his world. Start to really like him and allow him to get girlfriend benefits as—just friends. Are you crazy or stupid? Pussy runs this world! You don’t have to compromise with a man to keep him around. If you want to build to a relationship not a situationship, tell him. If you know that “Friend” is a code word, object and tell him you’re not looking for a friend, you’re looking for someone that can potentially grow into a man. It doesn’t matter if a man is claiming he’s too busy, that his heart is still healing from the last girl, or that he’s just not sure, you are the master and commander of who you give your time to. Stop holding your tongue and going with the flow. “I’m not dating anyone else, no harm in just having a friend.” Yes there is, because you’re leading yourself on with a man who is going to end up choosing someone else in the end. She’ll get an easy lane to his heart and you’ll feel like a sucker for believing the excuses that he gave to you that suddenly don’t apply to her. You’re a grown ass woman, the moment you feel that a man has potential open your mouth. Don’t text it. Don’t beat around the bush. Say what you want. And if he doesn’t feel the same way—GOOD! You just saved yourself months of playing house to some one that was looking to lease not buy.

Epilogue: Prioritize Yourself

 She comes before he. Your plans shouldn’t be compromised for his. Being a partner is a two-way street, just like he can reschedule, move you around, and cancel, you should never feel guilty if things pop up that will benefit your life. He will complain, suck his teeth, and get in his feelings. But the woman that does her, despite a man’s objections will always train her mate to respect her time, not waste it.

I’ve gone deeper on a lot of these topics in my books and on my site, but for those of you lost in the sauce, let this be a smack in the face to take the next step on the road to Spartanhood.

-G.L. Lambert